As most of the world I knew of was shut down in Spring, I had an ample opportunity to meet myself. From trying varieties of teas, mastering DIYs, cost-free beauty treatments from the kitchen to watching classics, “my to-do/undo list” has been endless lately. When the lockdown was lifted, I happened to go for a long drive on a rainy evening with my alter ego sitting strapped snug in the front passenger seat. It was one of those evenings when one’s heartbeat matches the rhythm of peaceful drizzle and one consciously surrenders to the atoms harmoniously put together with loving details & precision. Even though change is inevitable and there’s a consistent reflection, mystical & naturalistic learning seems to be occurring all the time. The long drive through the serpentine country road made me feel deeply content, ever so calm and fulfilled. There was no rush or wish to do anything else, change anything or even learn anything.  It was like a transition into a different state of being or at least a different way to “taste being”. Life is clear, relaxed and steady! Life is simple and it refuses to complicate itself. Driving past the thick & lush foliage of Alaskan Paper Birch, Red Pine, Maple & Arbutus I realized that after a lot of seeking, searching and exploring what one has been seeking for has always been around after all. Big & small raindrops created magical ripples in the freshwater swamps and were a good reminder that the repeated yet ever fresh recognition of the freedom and fulfilment hiding in plain sight is the essence of undiluted awakening all at once.

                   Sometimes I love to read the same thing again and again, be it a note from a friend, a message on WhatsApp,  some lovely random quote,  a flyer,  a notice,  a billboard or a scribble that I may have hidden deep in a book long ago. There are times (especially when I toss and turn in bed), I self-diagnose my symptoms for COVID 19, eventually, I fall asleep over them.  However, (if ) I get carried away with too many thoughts about death and dying, I stumble upon the theories behind forgiveness before it is too late. Forgiving is one of the toughest virtues to attain, these days I am consciously trying to forgive and set free people for their most unforgivable mistakes… After all, who am I to judge and hold grudges and hurt myself even more as a result?

                                 I am learning to put my pride aside, swallow the biggest lump of self-esteem in my throat sophisticatedly. I sincerely ask for help when I need it the most. It is okay to ask for help. It does not make a person small to call out for help, especially with computers, smartphones and such ‘n such. Sometimes a single word, like “Help!” is all it takes to create alignment and initiate a shift from resistance to expansiveness.

                      These unsettling times have opened the floodgates of opportunities for me to ponder over emotions and sentiments that partially make me who I am. Hence, my friends, relatives and people who had once been very close to my heart and I always thought to myself that they were irreplaceable, I am letting them go happily as some of them are relentlessly making efforts to move on, I am not burdening them anymore to carry the dead weight of my existence in their lives. They have a right to delete the unnecessary burden of “old times’ sakes. I am learning each day to respect their choices. As a result of that, I am not ever going to get disappointed or vice versa.

                                   Hence, at the age of 50, I am finally able to raise finger at myself that people are not the only ones who have disappointed me, I must have too surely disappointed the ones I have showered a lot of love on. When I was a young woman, I’ve lived for love alone and made vows of eternal love. I’ve had my heart broken at least once! I’ve cried while listening to music and looking at old pictures. I’ve called someone just to hear their voice on the other side. I have fallen in love with a smile, I’ve fallen in love with light brown deep eyes… At times I thought I would die because I missed someone so much. At other times, I felt very afraid that I might lose someone very special (which ended up happening anyway). However, if I have been dismissed, I can’t hold anyone responsible for making that choice. Maybe that was the best thing to do given the situation and time in a person’s life. I can’t, however, forget or ignore the fact that I have been loved too without loving the person back. It works both ways. Therefore, it would be a highly questionable stance that some of my once precious ones have disappointed me. “Letting go” without resentments is what I am working on, for my own freedom and finesse in the life that I crave for, day in and day out, I am letting go of such relations happily and willingly.

            Trust me, “letting go” feels far lighter than being quarantined or emotionally isolated.

                                           Sometimes financial constraints in life teach one the best lessons, I’ve stopped acting on impulse several years ago as far as materials are concerned. I have plenty of clothes and shoes I have accumulated over several years, they still fit me well, I may not be able to make someone miss a few hearts beats anymore but I look exceptionally alright in those age-old styles and designs but it does not bother me one bit. It does not bother me at all that what the world is raving about I do not have in my closet. In fact, this outbreak provided me with plenty of chance to declutter, organize, recycle and share if not completely follow minimalistic values.

                                                        I am just a human, some flesh and 206 bones and a little bit of a brain, I have made several mistakes big & small, yes, I have laughed at extremely inappropriate occasions. In the classroom many times. I have smirked, I have laughed sneakingly at guests back home in India if they unconsciously displayed strange habits or behaviours. I was young and petty. Now I look back and I don’t feel proud of myself at all. I apologize sincerely to one and all that I must have hurt along the way by doing so.

                      I may not be the most upholding theist, an apostle of any faith, I am not a non-believer either. I believe in a higher realm of God, Universe to be more precise. A Sikh by birth; I had no control over that but I am borderline Sikh, a borderline Hindu and a borderline seeker of faith regardless of religion. I am not anyone’s “go-to person” who would offer advice on how to hold or perform any Sikh/Hindu rituals seamlessly with utmost perfection, but I know how to make myself heard in His court. I am not the one who has memorized any exegetical sermons, baani, shalokas, vedas, dohas, and mantras by heart, absolutely not, but I know how to get by.

                                     I pray the way I want to, I pray as I mean it, using simple words, sometimes without taking a shower, without brushing my teeth, I pray with sleepy eyes, I pray while doing my daily step count in many Brampton ravines, I pray while crossing busy intersections under the scorching summer sun unaware of the busy traffic around. The only thing I do properly is I don’t set conditions; do not bargain with the Universe or God. My prayer is just a prayer. Something very small, doable, natural! A good example is from the last snowstorm day, “Sarbat da Bhala” (blessings for everyone basically), please help me and guide me to drive the car carefully today”. Human nature is like the sky; forever unaffected, undiluted and undefined by the type and colour of the clouds moving through. Similarly, one must not succumb to the variety of desires or circumstances, just keep communication direct, plain & simple with The Higher Realm. The idea is not to throw a clutter of demands in the vast universe but personally focus on what is most important to be taken care of that day and focus on what is most important that particular day, which was to drive carefully no matter what. I find the idea of a mini prayer very time effective too. One stays to the point, hence, more focus on centralized communication with the Universe. I am still at an experimenting stage with my mini prayers. I allow just a few moments of opening, of surrender, of acknowledging my weaknesses, my hang-ups, in just a few short understandable sentences I ask the Universe for more clarity, some support and guidance. It is an easy way to make immediate connections with a broader intelligence available in the Universe.

                          Sometimes I pray for my friendships. I always want to keep the ones who I have always been well connected with for decades. I can never afford to lose them. Even if we do not communicate often they are always there. I pray for new friends too that I have in the recent past. These friends are friends for life. I pray for opportunities to scream and jump out of joy for all my special relations, new and old friends. I have loved them all and I’ve been loved.

                              Another thing that I have started practicing more consciously during this outbreak is peace and silence. Under the big overwhelming dump of lockdowns, lost jobs, sickness, sadness, quarantines, seclusion and overall grimness is the dance of the universe that occurs on a platform of absolute stillness. One must find time and silence all chaos around oneself. The depth and stability of this silence is a better indication of the maturity of our spiritual process rather than any recognition of worldly things and scenarios that drag one down. Personally, I did cherish very much the stillness without the sprinting vehicles on highways, clean like a whistle empty subways stations, platform sans the hustle & bustle of rush hour commuters, bare-naked stadiums, quiet salons & spas displaying “closed until further notice” signs are all breathing space and eloquence that we all needed very much! This life is beautiful, and every moment is special. There is so much value, purpose and depth to our existence outside the disaster, any disaster!

                           This is a dynamic universe. Human feelings transition like the weather- made of cycles and microcycles. Some cycles rather quickly, momentarily, others may have rhythms that spin over hours, years or even decades. The key to witnessing these cycles, winds, waves, tides and seasons of feelings, is to have patience and trust the process of life.

                                 Also, it is much more important to be good at feeling something rather than focusing on feeling good all the time. That’s not humanly possible. At least I have yet to meet anyone who can manage to feel good all the time, no matter how evolved they claim to be. Life is really too short to be insignificant! Let’s be ourselves, umask! Please don’t forget to wash your hands!