Last night was a restless one. I tossed and turned for a while and suddenly got up around 1:00 a.m. to surf on line from one store to the other until I got bored of too good to be true deals and skin & age reversal treatments costing fortunes. Being a creature of habit before shutting off the computer I visited my bank, just in case I have missed a payment or just to explore what’s new and exciting with my financial institution.

Thanks to nerve intruding technology these days, “meet single men in your area” ads quietly started to sneak in as I signed off from my banking site. I quickly turned the computer off… what if my fourteen year old wakes up for a glass of water and finds her mother transfixed in front of redhead stud’s six packs. I was ashamed for no reason, such a typical brown soul of mine! At some point we will be guided from within… I am thinking to myself as I checked out my darkening wrinkles on the forehead in an attempt to discover how fast age is catching up with this baby at heart type of person that I am. Or rather, things will happen without any sense of choosing. This inner guidance is not some kind of cosmic voice. It is a transparent kind of knowing. Until then we must not hesitate to ask for and receive all the help, support and guidance that is available to us. The people, the books, the experiences. They are actually not offering us anything distinct from our inner guidance. It is just presented to us in a format we more readily understand at present. This “here” is a kind universe. At least that’s what I feel.

Tried to sleep but not much luck again so I got up and sat down to meditate 🙂 I could not focus at all though. My mind raced here, there and everywhere. I wondered too much if I was sitting right, if I have the matching set of earrings out on the dresser for next morning, next time when I pay rent I am going to request my landlord to paint our washroom and so forth. Such poor job of meditating it was, but meditation is about not worrying about the quality of meditation, I thought to myself again. It is simply witnessing whatever happens with detached amusement. Including the apparent utter lack of such detached amusement 🙂
I am a human and a being! As a human I am filled with polarities, instincts and contradictions. I am really vulnerable to a million influences. As being all of this is witnessed without a trace of worry or concern. There is only a diamond like confidence and clarity that this mad journey is itself the fastest way to the recognition that one is home. I do hope to be wiser, and calmer and better but…

Seems like that 3:00 a.m. meditation was not helping me either as I was busy negotiating and creating a web of excuses around myself. I have risen from the floor mat to lie down in bed again thinking that tomorrow’s another day and I start work early like everyone else. Forgiving myself yet another time by believing that the domain of wisdom is another pay cheque away!!!