A strange dream woke me up much earlier than my norm this morning. I saw myself as a partially burnt, barren tree in the corner of some long forgotten stretch of fields…the vast canvas of the sun is at its soaring height breathing more fire at me that I can withstand. The maddening quiet in the atmosphere seems to be secretly at a standby for a war-cry to herald the demon force out, to attack me all of a sudden through the dry and cracked opening in the soil under me. My partial human body makes various attempts to run but the invisible roots of tree do not let me budge an inch. My dream was powerful enough to make me jump out of my bed and rush out of the front door for a fresh whiff of air at half past two last night. Next door neighbour’s alert dog barked insanely as I thrusted my way out by pulling out erratically the rather stubborn latch open in my effort to escape that dream. The young ones of some bird families residing comfortably on the ever greens on my landlord’s property chirped briefly as I broke into their peaceful slumber. The fresh air definitely absorbed the tiny sweat beads on my aging forehead, upper lip and around my nose pin but could not calm down my racing mind, even though momentarily I was fascinated by the freshness, calm and peace that trees in my landlord’s property and around offered me selflessly. However, I was recklessly bound to think of my dream.

Sitting on my wooden threshold staring hard in dark at this rich fauna I just realized that whereas a tree is a tight collection of microscopic tubes that diffuses the perfume of the soil into the sky triggering clouds and rain and other forms of incessant love making between heaven and earth…tree is a representation of life. Why was I then a partially burnt one in my dream of all the things? What did I do to deserve such a bad dream? Wasn’t the realities of my life harsh enough? I briefly felt sorry for myself.

barren tree

begs for shade-

gold dust canvas

After numerous recurrent poignant flashes from my dream I finally got distracted as a quick thought of my sleeping Jasmine Mehar waved through my mind. I got up suddenly and closed the door behind me and ran to her room to check on her. She was sleeping peacefully. I sat by her tiny uncovered feet and touched them gently. I tried to tuck them back in her blanket but she almost immediately freed them out again as usual…I knew as her mother that this action of mine was not worth another try so I gently kissed her forehead and made a quiet way out of her little room which is basically overflowing with a collection of stones, pebbles, twigs, bird feathers, dry leaves and anything and everything that is either pink or blue.

I decided to surrender myself into a meditation, which I have honestly not done in more than five weeks due to a reckless schedule. We generally judge worth of someone or something based on usefulness after all. My meditation during the wee hours of this Saturday morning arose a different perception. The images of my dream exuded an atmosphere of indescribable peace and freedom. In a world obsessed with utility and usefulness, where everyone and everything is seen as a means to an end, this useless tree was rooted in its own source, with nowhere to go, nothing to do, nothing to achieve or prove. It was simply content within itself. Who would have thought, being useless could be so beautiful, so liberating? These thoughts were calming but it was hard for me to focus as this mind of mine was running away…

Buddha Mantra was hard to focus on as the thoughts of upcoming renewal of car insurance got stuck in my head. Honest to God Buddha Mantra almost lost all its meaning for me momentarily as I got overwhelmed thinking of Jasmine Mehar’s forthcoming challenges and hurdles of high school when for most part of the day I am away from her trying to make a living for both of us Monday to Friday. Her school projects, her on going portfolio for the art school, my urge to rush back home to my only child in winter when all it takes is one stalled beater or spanking new car on busy highway to throw one off by an hour and may be more. My human mind was racing aimlessly again…thinking out loud and clear. My late father used to call it Single Parent Syndrome for all the right reasons.

Perhaps from a cosmic perspective, where entire galaxies and universes dissolve back into nothingness, all our activities are indeed useless. What is it like to embrace this shadow which I had none in my dream – that underlying suspicion that all this running around ultimately amounts to nothing? To embrace our profound uselessness? Now, that could be really something. Something like self control which is mainly spontaneous otherwise it is not natural enough, but what about one’s spirit of inquiry- which is the fruit of self-help, strength, intellect, efficiency and all the other heavy duty stuff? I was still trying hard to focus. What was the dream trying to convey to me after all? To somehow possess a sense of contentment? To renounce all craving for what is not obtained unsought. To be satisfied with what comes unsought – without being elated or depressed.

Regardless of these meditational findings my shallow human mind retaliated again. What sense of contentment? What have I achieved anyhow in life? I have always been on a losing spree. Really now! Sometimes Almight Waheguru is so hasty. Asking me to give up some more through my dreams now, doesn’t He realize that I am empty handed as it is. Anyhow, I can’t fight Him, I tried to focus back on my meditation. May be He is trying to suggest that with the rise of contentment the purity of one’s heart blossoms. I simply did not want to listen to Him anymore. I was just not receptive to His orders…by this time thoughts of nice cup tea were flooding my mind…A single parent’s ultimate escape from all worries of doing everything single handed, one cup of heart warming tea!

simmering chai

a sense of control

over an ongoing battle